Crossfire Engineering Inc.
You Won a Free Trip!
CEI Publishing is pleased to announce that you are the
1st Prize Winner in our annual "Vacation Give-away" Contest. You have been selected from a highly screened group of your peers at the
Melrose Home for the incurably Insane to be our prize recipient.
You will be able to enjoy your free vacation as soon as you register at our office at the Springfield Hartford International Travel in beautiful Windsor Locks, Connecticut. Registration will be very simple. Just read our flight information and sign our simple Waver Form below and you will be whisked away on one of the finest air planes we can afford.
About the Springfield Hartford International Travel
Although some of our flights are very short, we still like to always spell out our name in full (Please never abbreviate our name). We intend to provide your free vacation with the excitement and adventure everyone has come to expect from us. We only ask that after you read and sign our standard flight waver (anyone of your stature will be very happy to sign it) you are ready for departure. This waver should be signed and notarized at least a one day before your departure. If you have any unsettled accounts with us or any of our subsidiaries, please pay them in full using CASH at least two days before your departure.
Springfield Hartford International Travel is one of the smaller, somewhat less expensive flights at the airport. In keeping with that motif, we have eliminated some of the frills, perks and expected amenities you may have heard about other expensive airlines having. Here at Springfield Hartford International Travel we believe it is better to be cheap than just another pile on the runway.
Below is a list of some of these frills we have eliminated. As these efficiency measures should be considered for "INFORMATION ONLY" they may not be used against us in any court of law at any time.
Emergency Oxygen Masks have been eliminated because they have never shown itself effective in any of our abrupt in-flight cancellations before. Usually our passingers get tangled in the air hoses and hang themselves before we crash and burn.
Under Seat Flotation Devices have been eliminated because they never proved effective in the swamps with all them 'gators and other creepy things that want to ride along.
Co-pilots and Flight Engineers have been eliminated because we have noticed they just seem to get in the way during the panic of a rapid decent event. It is far easier for our passengers to get to the emergency exits without being trampled in the hatchways by these unnecessary flight personnel.
All Emergency Fuel Reserves have been eliminated since during one of our emergency in-flight cancelations, the last thing anyone needs to do is pour more gas on the fire.
All Radio, radar and Navigation Equipment has been eliminated. Our pilots can always look through the holes in the cockpit floor and follow the good old American Interstates.
All In-Flight Food & Beverages have been eliminated. Yes, we don't serve no stinking in-flight food. It all tastes like crap anyway.
All free Rest Rooms and Comfort Stations have been done away with. Pay toilets have been installed instead. This gives those who really have to go a chance to use them if they have a quarter.
Unnecessary Jet Engines have been eliminated. We pride ourselves on our unique one engine flights. We know the other airlines use three or four engines. We use just one; this save us maintainance time so we can fly more often to serve you better. Most of the time, our other engines have never worked anyway.
Pilot Training Programs have been eliminated. We at Springfield Hartford International Travel think, if you got the right hat on your head, you must know what you are doing.
Baggage Claim Tickets have been eliminated to save you, our valued customer, time and effort. Since we would probably loose your luggage anyway, this simple step saves you countless hours of nuisance filling out the baggage loss claims forms which we will also loose.
Simple Waiver of Rights
By signing below I stipiulate that I have read the above statements of policy at Springfield Hartford International Travel and by signing this waiver I fully indemnify them from any liability for any of the following situations and other conditions which are too damaging to reveal at this time:
- Accidental loss of our one working engine due to any neglect on our part to provide any reasonable maintenance or overhaul. Even if we just neglected it to save a few bucks.
- Lose of one or more of the aircraft wheels on takeoff because our ground crew was otherwise occupied with their petty union grievances about their $3.88 per hour pay. With all that pressure ist is no wonder why they forget to tighten the lug nuts.
- Failure of the pilot to stay clean and sober when either bad weather is encountered or he had a confrontation with significant other before takeoff. With the salery we pay we have to cut him a little slack.
- Loss of the structural integrity of the aircraft during takeoff, ascent, cruising, decent, landing, or taxiing because Springfield Hartford International Travel provides the cheapest maintenance in the industry. Springfield Hartford International Travel finds it easier if we slip a little cash to the FAA than spend Big Bucks on Safety Inspections.
- Any damages caused by the abandonment of the aircraft by the pilot because he wanted to get the hell out of there before the brown stuff hit the fan.
- Any loss of life or limb due to our forgetting something important to do before takeoff. Keeping a schedule with such a turnover in pilots is very hard to maintain.
- Failure of our pilot to provide any meaningful help during any flight event. We at Springfield Hartford International Travel would rather rely on seat of the pants experience than provided costly training or pre-flight checkouts for our pilots.
- Any loss of hearing due to fluctuations in cabin pressure during flight. You were probably already genetically conditioned to be hard of hearing anyway.
- Any bloating, turning gray, or lips exploding because we forgot to fix the cabin pressure controller yesterday.
- Any evil spirits, spells, or other supernatural effects caused by former passengers placing curses and spells on Springfield Hartford International Travel. If they were on one of our flights they signed this disclaimer and they should not get so upset at us in the after life.
I have read and understand that in signing this standard waver I, and my family, friends, neighbors, and any concerned citizens, cannot do squat no matter what happens while I enjoy my cut rate flight on Springfield Hartford International Travel.
Signed:
_______________________________________
Date:
_________________________________________
Have notary stamp and sign here
We at Springfield Hartford International Travel want to wish you a happy flight to wherever you wind up and I want to personally take this opportunity, since it may never come again, to thank you for choosing to flying with us.
Sincerely yours,
X
I. M. Apsycho
CEO & Chief Pilot
Springfield Hartford International Travel
Where our Name says it all so we never abbreviate it.
