An American Company

• Home
• Who Is CEI?
• Contact Us
• Our Rates
• Military & Aerospace Consulting
  • Quality Control & Reliability
    • ILS
    • Shock & Vibration Fixtures
  • Test Engineering
    • Production Acceptance Testing
    • Qualification Testing
    • Test Supervision
    • Test Equipment Design
    • Presidents Resume
• eCommerce
  • eCommerce
  • Here in the Mall
  • Credit Card Luhn Validation
  • Contact Forms
  • Inventory Search
• Commercial & Individual Consulting
  • cgi-bin Programming
    • CGI Programming?
    • Password Access Control
    • Credit Card Luhn Validation
    • Contact Forms
    • Inventory Search
    • Your Lottery Number Picker
    • Average Glucose vs A1C
  • Web Pages
    • WWW Design Considerations
    • Internet Software Choices
    • Shopping Carts & SEO
    • Shopping Cart Example
  • Internet Advertising
    • Internet Mall
      • The Mall
      • Mall Tenants
        • Dry Cleaning
        • Performance Car Part
        • Quality Beads
        • Custom Jewelry
        • Restaurant Supply
  • Attracting Visitors With Humor
    • You Won!
    • Melrose Gazette
    • 1hp Lawn Trimmer
    • Story Teller
    • Personal Numbers Selector
    • Top 10 List
  • Attract by Free Information
    • Mortgage Calculator
    • Book on Brewing
    • Altar Server Manual
    • Your Lottery Number Picker

Rate applies to in house work.
See our on-site Rates.

Emergency Oxygen Masks have been eliminated because they have never shown itself effective in any of our many in flight abrupt cancellations before. Usually our passengers get tangled in the air hoses and hang themselves before the crash and burn.

Under Seat Flotation Devices have been eliminated because they never proved effective in the swamps with all them 'gators and other creepy things wantin' to ride along.

Co-pilots and Flight Engineers have been eliminated because we have noticed they just seem to get in the way during the panic of a rapid decent event. It is far easier for our passengers to get to the emergency exits without being trampled in the hatchways by these unnecessary flight personnel.

All Emergency Fuel Reserves have been eliminated since during one of our emergency flight cancellations, the last thing anyone needs to do is pour more gas on the fire.

All Radio, radar and Navigation Equipment has been eliminated. Our pilots can always look through the holes in the cockpit floor and follow the good old American Interstates.

All In-Flight Food & Beverages have been eliminated. Yes, we don't serve no stinking in flight food. It all tastes like crap anyway.

All free Rest Rooms and Comfort Stations have been done away with. Pay toilets have been installed instead. This gives those who really have to go a chance to if they got a quarter.

Unnecessary Jet Engines have been eliminated. We pride ourselves on our unique one engine flights. We know the other airlines use three or four engines. We use just one; this save us maintenance time so we can fly more often to serve you better. Most of the time, our other engines have never worked anyway.

Pilot Training Programs have been eliminated. We at Springfield Hartford International Terminal think, if you got the right captain's hat, you must know what you are doing.

Baggage Claim Tickets have been eliminated to save you, our valued customer, time and effort. Since we would probably loose your luggage anyway, this simple step saves you countless hours of nuisance filling out the baggage loss claims forms which we always ignore anyway.

---

Simple Waiver of Rights

By signing below I stipulate that I have read the above statements of policy at Springfield Hartford International Terminal and by signing this waiver I fully indemnify them from any and all liability for any of the following situations and other conditions which are too damaging to reveal at this time:

• Accidental loss of our one working engine due to any neglect on our part to provide any reasonable maintenance or overhaul. Even if we just neglected it to save a few bucks.
• Lose of one or more of the aircraft wheels on takeoff, landing or in-flight because our ground crew was otherwise occupied with a petty grievances about their $1.37 per hour pay. With all that distraction its no wonder why they may forget to tighten the lug nut or two.
• Failure of the pilot to stay clean and sober when either bad weather is expected or he had a confrontation with significant other before takeoff. With the salery they get you will have to cut him a little slack.
• Loss of the structural integrity of the aircraft during takeoff, ascent, cruising, decent, landing, or taxiing because of us providing the cheapest maintenance in the industry. WE have found it more efficient to slip a little cash to the FAA inspector than spend a lot on maintenance.
• Any damages caused by the abandonment of the aircraft by the pilot because he wanted to get the hell out of there before the brown stuff hit the fan.
• Any loss due to delay of take-off. Keeping a schedule with such a turnover in pilots is very hard to maintain.

Simple Waiver of Rights

• Accidental loss of our one working engine due to any neglect on our part to provide any reasonable maintenance or overhaul. Even if we just neglected it to save a few bucks.
• Lose of one or more of the aircraft wheels on takeoff, landing or in-flight because our ground crew was otherwise occupied with a petty grievances about their $1.37 per hour pay. With all that distraction its no wonder why they may forget to tighten the lug nut or two.
• Failure of the pilot to stay clean and sober when either bad weather is expected or he had a confrontation with significant other before takeoff. With the salery they get you will have to cut him a little slack.
• Loss of the structural integrity of the aircraft during takeoff, ascent, cruising, decent, landing, or taxiing because of us providing the cheapest maintenance in the industry. WE have found it more efficient to slip a little cash to the FAA inspector than spend a lot on maintenance.
• Any damages caused by the abandonment of the aircraft by the pilot because he wanted to get the hell out of there before the brown stuff hit the fan.
• Any loss due to delay of take-off. Keeping a schedule with such a turnover in pilots is very hard to maintain.
• Failure of our pilot to provide any meaningful help during any flight event. We would rather rely on a "Seat Of The Pants" experience than provided costly training or pre-flight checkouts for our pilots.
• Any loss of hearing due to fluctuations in cabin pressure during flight since you were probably already genetically conditioned to be hard of hearing anyway.
• Any bloating, turning gray, or lips exploding because we forgot to fix the cabin pressure controller yesterday.
• Any evil spirits, spells, or other supernatural effects caused by former passengers placing curses and spells on our aircraft. If they were on one of our flights they signed this disclaimer and they should not get so upset at us in the after life.